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Day 340

1/26/08

Day 340

What a dinner! My Q was free for dinner so she met me and her brothers at the restaurant. Who knew they would have a blue grass band that would keep the boys entertained. The boys were pretty cute enjoying the music! She and I got to catch up a bit. She chopped her hair off but I think it looks great. She looks new and ready for change. I'm still trying to get use to the idea of what has happened and what is going to happen. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around her living with my Mom and Grandma but I know they will take very good care of her. She's just sacrificing freedom for more structure.

I've had to let go of her twice in my life time so far and neither time was easy. Both times were for her own good (I thought). This time was much harder. I don't care how it looks on the outside because until you let your own child fall flat you have no idea what that feels like. It is by far the top 5 painful experiences of my life. When I say painful I mean a heavy discomfort filled with panic that lasts until enough time passes! And guess what? You don't know how long that is going to be. Yes, I have other children who need me as well but to leave one child hanging off the building doesn't work. It's just not in my nature to allow that to happen. I have to have all my babies safe and sound. It's hard not rush in like Super Woman and save her from herself. To my discomfort she is one of those children that has to learn the hard way or she won't learn. Therefore, I suck it up and stew in my discomfort of letting go. However, I am hopeful that with time she will be able to reflect on what has happened and learn from it. I hope that in time she will understand the methods to my madness. Today I'm just thankful for a friendly dinner. :)

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